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Japs Invade America

by Gene Crucean
February, 2007

VALPARAISO, IN – I was hoping to enjoy a relaxing moment after a long work day when I stopped at Gas Can Pub, our local racers’ saloon. But I could tell right off that Ernie, the proprietor and barkeep, was troubled and wanted to talk.

“It ain’t fair for them foreigners to be competin’ in God’s racing series” Ernie blurted out as I sat down. Ernie just can’t seem to get over Toyota’s involvement in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup racing. “NASCAR’s for Americans only. What the hell’s gotten into them Frances?” he asked.

“Well, it’s making for some good competition” I offered as he poured my usual. “You’ve got Toyota’s best minds competing with the best here in America. It adds some more interest, Ernie.”

“I don’t wanna hear it” he retorted. “NASCAR’s like one big American family. We all love the American flag and hooters … and everybody speaks English exceptin’ Richard Petty.”

“Just a minute, Ernie” I said, “cool down.” Chrysler was a German company earlier this year and I didn’t hear you moaning about that.”

“But Chrysler builds their cars right here in the USA … us Americans make ‘em” he said.

“Just like the Toyota Tundras … made in Indiana” I pointed out.

“Maybe” said Ernie, “but Chrysler ain’t beatin’ them Chevys and Fords like they used to. Serves ‘em right for going foreign.”

“And worse yet, that’s just the start of this whole foreign thing” he continued. “First it’s the Japs. Next NASCAR will let in them Germans and their BMWs. Then your gonna have two guys named Takeo in rice rockets on the front row at Daytona and behind them there’s gonna be two guys named Fritz in Beemers. Then NASCAR’s gonna have to make the Jap tour, then there’ll be the Euro tour. And what’s gonna happen to our American heroes like Junior and Tony Stewart? Won’t be no room for ‘em in NASCAR with all them ride-buyin’ foreigners. We ain’t even gonna be able to say their names. It’s gonna be just like the IRL. It won’t never be the same again. NASCAR’ll probably even outlaw hillbillies.”

Ernie was putting out about 150,000 BTUs now.

“Suddenly I can see the whole, big picture now” he went on. “That’s why them Japs attacked Pearl Harbor in the first place. They been tryin’ all along to take over NASCAR.

And us real Americans can’t let ‘em get away with it.”

“Ernie, Ernie” I interrupted, trying to calm him down. “Heh, there’s some good news for you in all of this. All of the new, foreign car fans will mean a lot more business for your saloon on racedays. And you’ll have a more cosmopolitan, up-scale crowd.”

“Oh yeah, sure” Ernie moaned. “It’ll be them sissy, foreign grand prix-type dandies who’ll want Saki with their sushi. I had a bunch of them Toyota fans in here a while back for a Craftsman truck race and it got so bad I hadda call the Orkin Man. I ain’t gonna let them hoity-toity types in my saloon” he said emphatically.

“Well, Ernie, it’s happening so we might as well get used to it” I offered.

He thought for a moment as he poured another. “Yeah, I guess…we beat them Japs after Pearl Harbor. We’ll just have to beat ‘em again at Daytona. But for certain” he added, “ain’t no guy named Takeo ever gonna drive no black number three!”

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